Social Smarts

Experts say the secret to getting ahead in you career comes down to social intelligence.

BY TRACI VOGEL

WAVE MAGAZINE

WWW.THEWAVEMAG.COM  March 12-25, 2008

We've all heard the quintessential high school reunion story: the class nerd, socially inept and the butt of jokes, returns in a limo, flashing cash from his or her successful business venture. Brains win out in the end, just like your teacher told you.

But what about the average but popular student - the George W. Bush - who makes good~ Daniel Goleman, the psychologist and journalist, pondered this question in his 2006 book, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships.

"For years I've wondered why some people who do so well in school go nowhere in life, while others of ordi­nary academic talent rise to the top," he wrote. "The valedictorian of my high school class, Sheldon, went on to start one of the first patent law firms in Silicon Valley. No surprise there - we all knew Sheldon was brilliant. The real surprise was my friend Kent: He ' was an average student but socially adept. By our 40th reunion, he had become CEO of his own cable company, sold it and was living contentedly on a golf course in Florida."

Brains may be the biggest marker of success in school, but we need another kind of smarts to reach the top in life: social intelligence, which Goleman defines as "the aptitude that makes us smart in our relationships." People with high social intelligence tend to be likable, influential, even inspirational. They're able to "click” with others without seeming ingratiating, and they make you want to work for them. How do they do it?

Francine Toder, Ph.D., a consultant, psychologist, and executive coach based in Palo Alto, teaches people to be more efficient managers in part by increasing their social intelligence. "The typical scenario is a person with superior tech skills, like an engineer or scientist," she says. "They're highly valued and often highly paid, and they're very good at what they do."

The problem is, the skills that make a good individual performer don't necessarily make a good manager. "1 remember an engineer I worked with that was very talented, but he would blow up," Toder notes. Silicon Valley has no shortage of people that are very talented but have bad tempers."

Toder helps these clients understand how others see them. "When you're not aware of your own limita­tions, there's no buy-in," she explains. Self-awareness - the ability to be conscious of one's emotions and accurately assess them - is one of the pillars of social intelligence, along with self-regulation (the ability to regulate one's emotions), and self-motivation.

Once a person is cognizant of how they're perceived and how their emotions affect others, they're ready to learn social skills such as empathy."  It is these higher ­level skills that allow for reading another person's moods, understanding their motivations, and navi­gating a path through the minefield of interpersonal relationships.

After all, as Toder reminds us, "A workplace is like any other social system - it's more effective if people can communicate with each other accurately. There is synergy in that and it creates a better work place. There is a lot of evidence that the ROI [return on investment] in the corporate world is really affected by the ability of a team to work together effectively."

Far from being touchy-feely psychobabble, these kinds of lessons are based in recent discoveries in neurosci­ence. Human beings, it turns out, may be equipped with "mirror neuron" networks. These neurons fire when we see another person performing an action or experiencing an emotion. It's been proposed that mirror neurons enable us to understand other people's intentions - an understanding that's invaluable when it comes to office politics or to motivating employees.

"These are the subtleties that really make a difference in one's ability to navigate in a really tricky, complex environment," says Toder. "People that are more aware of what they’re thinking, what they're feeling, who know what their emotions are and how to manage them, and who know what others feel and think, just have an advantage.

It's such an advantage, says Toder, that many com­panies are making such training a perk. "There is this interest in social intelligence," she says. More and more people in MBA programs and engineering programs are beginning to learn about management styles and leadership training.

"There are people I see who arc technically brilliant, and sometimes people say, 'Let's make an exception for him or her,'" Toder continues. "I'm not going to name names, but there are several CEOs of com­panies in Silicon Valley that are almost impossible to work for, but people are willing to tolerate them because they're so unique. It gets old."

The old model of the eccentric, unstable genius may be on its way out the door. The new model will be much more fun to work for. TW

Francine Toder, Ph.D., 667 Lytton Ave., Palo Alto  (650) 325-4588   www.doctoder.com

                                                                      Palo Alto Daily News, Sept. 28, 2001 

Aftermath of attack reaches the workplace 

By Francine Toder*  

 The unthinkable happened on September 11th and the U.S. is grieving.  It’s been just over two weeks and many of us are still in shock, dragging ourselves to our jobs, living our lives in slow motion, and feeling guilty for the comfort that surrounds us – much of which was taken for  granted only recently. 

 The process of recovery from disaster is slow at ground zero as well as within each of us.  Healing takes  time. It takes less time if a support network is available which for most of us means having someone to talk with.  At times like this even the most stoic of us allows a few feelings, maybe even a few tears to be expressed.  We seem to  understand that in this very dark moment emotions such as sadness, anger and fear are allowable, even necessary.  A “window of the psyche” opens a bit to allow us a way of communicating that is usually not possible.  We talk to each other with compassion, with caring, with shared understanding.  The usual levels of guardedness, self- protection or propriety are just not there.  Even normally “tough” New Yorkers, including this transplant, have set aside their protective shells to treat one another tenderly. 

 Rivals meet in the foxhole 

 On the national level, we’re seeing the same phenomenon.  When legislative leaders of both parties found themselves in bunkers in Washington, D.C. following the September 11th attack many discovered new facets of their  colleagues.  They got to know each other in a different way – no partisanship in the trenches.  Fundamentally, they had a very human, shared experience.  It provided a bridge to communicate which allowed adversaries a chance to listen and talk in deep and meaningful ways.  A common language emerged allowing an emotional connection that was helpful.  The barriers were down, at least for that moment.  Time will tell if the bridge is durable. 

 At the local level this phenomenon is repeating itself.  You might say that since September 11th we are all rowing together because we’re in the same boat!  The petty and sometimes significant differences between us have dropped away, if only temporarily.  We acknowledge each other with genuine caring and concern, even in the workplace. 

 Perhaps this is one of the few positive outcomes from the recent horrific events.  The workplace is a setting where people are put together with others based on the necessary skill sets to move the mission of the business forward.  Personal characteristics usually aren’t considered relevant which leaves only one primary language – the  business product or service.  Worse still, we tend to be attracted to people who look or behave much like ourselves,  further narrowing our perceptions.  It’s no wonder that work teams struggle to function effectively.  Individuals bring their stereotypes, values, personality styles and own agendas making interpersonal communication and cooperation strained and impersonal in ordinary times.  But this is no ordinary time.  

 Walls broken down 

 For many years companies have sent work teams to “off sites,” experiential workshops, or trust exercises in the wilderness precisely because these produce a shared experience.  Team members develop new ways to relate to one another that often bypass the differences that seemed so obvious and significant before.  September 11th was an unplanned shared experience.  Our humanness and pride as Americans has emerged as a bonding mechanism.   

 As a psychologist who works with individuals and teams in the workplace, I have seen a distinct shift, a lowering of defenses, and an opening in the wall that has kept us from knowing each other.  I have heard stories first-hand about CEOs and board members who are talking to each other more caringly which is actually helping productivity.  Teams have coalesced because they are open to hearing things in a new way from someone who they now understand a bit better. 

 At a business meeting of professionals, formally suited men and women were shedding tears and talking about the new shared experience that bonds them together.  I can’t help but think that this way of relating will carry over even when the memory of September 11th is not so painfully acute. 

An important “time-out” 

 Our recent tragedy gave us a time out from everyday life.  For some of us it may have been the first time-out we’ve had.  It forced us to take a big-picture look at things – family, relationships of all sorts, the meaning of  life.  It has given us a chance to see things from a slightly different perspective – one of the necessary ingredients for fostering creativity.  Because everything came to a grinding halt, apart from the images of fire and destruction, we may have been willing to reflect on our own values, goals and aspirations.  It is that, that allowed us to be open and vulnerable. Not only did it make us better people but we may also be more effective in the workplace where shared experience of national tragedy has brought us together.  

  *Francine Toder, Ph.D. is a consultant, psychologist and executive coach with an office and home in Palo Alto.  

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November, 2001

A SOMBER TRIP HOME 

            I certainly wasn’t the only psychologist to respond to the need to serve following the September 11^th destruction at the World Trade Center.  In fact, more than 2000 psychologists from across the country contacted the disaster network of the American Psychological Association or the American Red Cross and descended on New York, Washington, D.C. and western Pennsylvania.

            I also wasn’t the first to get to New York. In fact, I wasn’t deployed until November 3^rd.  In part, I felt that after the initial crisis and adrenaline driven response, disaster workers and residents might be more ready and open to talk and to receive the kind of support that a mental health professional could provide. Temporarily leaving my practice was my own way of doing something, instead of feeling helpless as a citizen watching and experiencing this unprecedented attack.  Born and raised in New York City, I felt an urgent calling to return to my “homeland”.

            Who could have foreseen that I would be the first psychologist to reach Rockaway after the crash of American Airlines 587. What follows is my personal experience and my observation of a tough and resilient people who have had more than their share to deal with.

Rockaway Beach

            As if the mood in New York weren’t somber enough, the crash of this latest plane ratcheted up the general nervousness several notches.  The site was less than ¼ mile from where I was stationed and I saw the plumes of black smoke as I was riding in a Red Cross Emergency Response vehicle on my way to deliver food and water to disaster workers at “Ground Zero”. 

It was ironic that a Red Cross volunteer from Rhode Island with firefighting experience was first on the scene, before the firefighters.  He put out the fire caused by one of the engines plummeting to within feet of a gas station’s pump.  Later he called for others to bring drinking water for the firefighters who soon arrived at the site.  In general, Red Cross volunteers seemed to me an amazingly generous and committed group coming from mostly small towns across the U.S. and Canada.  When asked why they came to New York City I heard again and again that at home you went to the aid of your neighbors in distress.  This was just an extension of that philosophy.

            I was initially called to Rockaway Beach to talk with local residents who were traumatized by the crash from either seeing the crash itself or the destruction of homes, their own or their neighbors. I saw disbelief, anger and fear on their faces as they assembled at the barriers constructed at the crash site. A temporary morgue was set up within their view.  They came alone or in families. Kids in twos and threes came from the local catholic school, the Jewish Yeshiva and public schools within blocks of the site.  They came to gawk, cry and inquire about the safety of their neighbors.

            A woman rocked as she sat on her porch steps facing the burned out remains of the house across the street.  Sitting with her I learned that her only child, a 25 year old, died three years ago in a fiery car crash and now she was living and reliving two tragedies.  Her story was not unique as I soon discovered talking with other residents. A Red Cross co-worker comforted and then brought another woman in shock. Her house was demolished with a piece of the plane sitting in what had been her front yard.  Even though all of the tangible reminders of her former life were taken by the fire, she was focused on a mother and child, neighbors across the street, who had perished in the fire.  She was also re-living an earlier loss, the death of her husband, who was a police officer killed in the line of duty nine years ago.  Over and over I saw people being re-traumatized, this crash being just the latest assault on their lives.  The earlier horrible events on September 11^th were recalled with renewed intensity and superimposed on the current loss. Rockaway lost 84 people at the World Trade Center.  On top of what happened before, this was almost unbearable.

            The owner of the Harbour Light, a bar & grill on the corner near the crash, lost his son on September 11^th  at the World Trade Center.  He opened his place to all disaster workers to use the facilities and relax.  His kitchen made a huge submarine sandwich for me to take to the woman who lost her child – no charge. The outpouring of caring for others was evident everywhere which was heart-warming in this community already in mourning.  As I witnessed the drama unfolding I remembered that in spite of New Yorkers’ usually rough and seemingly detached style, there is passion and compassion that surfaces when times get tough.

 Ground Zero – The World Trade Center

            Wearing a helmet, goggles and face mask I left my emergency response vehicle and entered a surreal space with a smell defying description that permeated the air.  Some said it smelled like death.  A few suggested an electrical smell like a melted toaster cord.  The heat from smoldering hills of rubble rose from the ground and manholes.

On the way to delivering food and drink to the makeshift police station at Ground Zero the air was so heavy that walking the flight of stairs took enormous effort.  The whole scene was eerie and seemed like a black and white movie in slow motion.  Television doesn’t do it justice. Other disaster workers seemed to talk little with each other, communicating through eyes that were sad and intense. What I observed was somber, resolved and uncommonly respectful.  In fact, casting a wider net, New Yorkers much beyond Ground Zero seemed very subdued.  New York was humbled by September 11^th and you could see it reflected in locals’ behavior – less horn honking, more courteous encounters and recognition of sorrow in each others’ faces. It was business as usual but with a tenderness never before seen in New York City.

 The Landfill – Staten Island

            Winding my way up to the top of the landfill I could see at a glance, by the names on trucks parked here and there, that this was no ordinary place.  Enormous hills of mangled metal dotted the landscape.  I knew what was in the piles and why there were people raking the ground and why others were watching debris pass over a conveyer belt.  The mission of this place is awesome: trying to separate building materials from human remains.

            Even though I was acquainted with the facts, I wasn’t prepared for the mood of this place – somber, quiet and for a New York setting, uncharacteristically gentle.  A walk through the mess hall where hundreds of exhausted disaster workers eat round the clock, there was a sense of seriousness and comradery. Outside it was very cold, the wind was howling and it was hard to keep the swirling dust and debris out of my eyes.

            The slow, painstaking work is critical because it’s both a crime scene and because the losses are very personally felt by the locals, many of whom have lost someone or have a friend who did. This is sacred work, made clear by the 50 kosher lunches we delivered daily for the orthodox Jews who bless the ground where bodies have been brought, Jewish and every other religion, but can’t be definitively identified.  I thought that the whole landfill ought to be regarded as a sacred burial ground or identified as a memorial site – the final resting place for so many people and part of the city itself.  Hopefully this would mark the end of a tragedy and a step toward recovery.

Francine Toder, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and executive coach in Palo Alto.  She is the former chair of the Disaster Readiness & Response committee for the Santa Clara County Psychological Association.